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A Message from Your Brooklyn Private School’s Newly Elected Green Team President

Dear parents and friends of Brooklyn Preparatory Country Day Academy,

First of all, a big thank-you to all our volunteers from last night’s “If It Ain’t Woke, Fix It!” fund-raiser. The event was totally inspiring, and, per your suggestions around the drum circle, the administration will no longer be referring to our children as students. Children teach us so much every day—of course they should be called teachers!

As your recently elected Green Team President, I am super psyched to announce our Zero Waste initiative! As you know, this year our children are learning about saving the planet, so we decided that, as parents, we needed to start doing our part. Let’s all strive together for zero waste.

Lunchboxes

If you’re sending your child to school with lunch, please make sure that nothing enters the building in any sort of disposable packaging. All plastic will be confiscated, labelled with your child’s name, and added to the Pile of Shame in the play yard. As mentioned last night, the plastic Mile of Shame that we built last year from Park Slope to Brooklyn Heights raised awareness, but also disrupted traffic and created a flooding hazard (stemming from a clump of organic-granola-bar wrappers that got lodged in a sewer grate). Thankfully, our fearless P.T.A. leadership was able to redirect funds from the year-end staff-appreciation gifts to pay the fine from the Department of Sanitation.

Birthday Celebrations

We all know how much our children love classroom celebrations, but, as of tomorrow, we will no longer be permitting any treats that require plates, forks, spoons, knives, cups, or napkins. You’d be amazed how quickly children can learn to cup their hands into a little bowl for sipping juice, and how much they enjoy using their forearms to wipe chocolate off their mouths. A big shout-out to Mia’s dad, who has offered to supply the school with biodegradable punch bowls for the juice pressed from our courtyard’s crabapple tree, and a huge thanks to Hugo’s mom for leading the volunteer corps of Parent Ladlers, who will be using their grownup hands to serve the juice in all of our classrooms. Just think of all the waste we will be eliminating by using our hands for absolutely everything!

Writing Implements

After the untimely passing of the third-grade classroom’s hamster, who ingested the recycled pencil shavings and shredded worksheets lining his cage (R.I.P., Mr. Snuggly!), we have decided to completely eliminate commercial writing implements. Beginning next week, no pencils or paper will be allowed in our classrooms. Instead, we will be supplying each staff member with a bucket of limestone chips and a pallet of slate boards to distribute in class. Our children will feel both empowered and powerful when they proudly carry home their ten-pound homework packets!

Dress Code

I am convulsing with excitement as I announce our final Green Team initiative. Starting next month, we are instituting a zero-waste school-uniform policy. Our P.T.A. co-president, who owns the Ascetic Aesthetic boutique, has offered to donate one-size-fits-all woollen tunics and upcycled burlap undergarments for the whole school! I can attest that they are a hundred per cent sustainable and adorable. I cannot wait to see the new uniforms featured prominently in this year’s class photos, which of course will be stored by each of us in our mind’s eye, since we will not be hiring a photographer, in order to eliminate gigabytes of digital waste.

Thank you, everyone, for your enthusiasm and coöperation. I hope to see you and your precious children at tomorrow’s climate strike. Remember, the best way to achieve zero waste is to not send your child to school at all!

Sincerely,

Your Green Team President

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