We Can’t Ask Your Age in This Job Interview, but Please Take This Quiz About Rotary Phones

Per the human-resources department and the federal government, it’s illegal to ask a job candidate their age because it may lead to discrimination. We carefully consider all candidates, no matter the year they were born, when hiring new talent. After all, age is just a number!

But, to help us get to know you better, please fill out this questionnaire that is not at all about your possible irrelevance in a modern office.

1. Where were you when J.F.K. died?

2. Do you know what a SASE is?

3. Is it ever O.K. to use a smiley-face emoji?

4. Follow-ups: Do you know where to find a smiley-face emoji? If someone used a skull emoji, would you feel afraid?

5. Please describe what the words “Milli Vanilli” mean to you. (essay)

6. How many spaces after a period?

If you answered (b), stop filling out this questionnaire immediately. We’ll be in touch.

7. What kind of phone did you have as a teen-ager?

(a) Cell
(b) Trimline push button
(c) Rotary

If you answered (c), stop filling out this questionnaire immediately. We’ll be in touch.

8. Does the phrase “I didn’t get the memo” inspire wistful memories of getting high from sniffing mimeographs?

9. How upset would you be if a co-worker spilled coffee on your Eileen Fisher cardigan? (essay)

10. When a junior executive gives his thoughts in a meeting, you:

(a) Listen raptly
(b) Congratulate him on his insight
(c) Marvel at how much he resembles a young Mark Harmon

11. If you decide to relive your high-school-athletics glory days by fielding for the company softball team without stretching first, will you need:

(a) Possible medical attention
(b) A Motrin day off
(c) A resulting surgery that pushes the limits of our company’s feeble health-care plan

12. Write down the lyrics to “We Are the World.”

13. Is “Slack” your preferred business-communication platform or an abridged way to describe the Zeitgeist attitude of your twenties?

14. What is your greatest weakness? Is it Simon Le Bon?

15. When paying for business lunches, are you willing to use your A.A.R.P. discount?

16. Describe a significant challenge you’ve had to overcome and how an episode of “Oprah” helped you resolve it. (essay)

17. Have you ever typed the words “Help me I can’t get off mute”?

18. How many Presidents have been under F.B.I. investigation in your lifetime?

19. Where do you see yourself in five years? Are there palm trees and water aerobics?

20. Our ideal candidate has five to seven years of relevant experience. Add up all your previous working years and write down the total.

If you had to use a calendar and a calculator, stop filling out this questionnaire immediately. We’ll be in touch.